I am seeing a common trend of parents fighting through our court systems relentlessly to gain sole custody of their children. At a first glance that statement sounds heroic, which in some instances is, however for the majority of cases I see its tragic. There are times when a parent is not the safest option for a child to be with, however, there is an increasing trend of tit for tat in courts using access to kids to hurt the other parent. This then casts doubt on genuine cases for concern and devalues the argument real cases have against unsafe parents. Most of all it hurts the child in the middle of this selfish fight.
So you fell in love, or had a one nighter, or whatever, I really don’t care. The end result is YOU and some person you liked well enough to have sex with, made a baby. At some stage you decide that person is an incompetent fool, who you hate with all your heart and soul. That’s standard break up feelings, and that’s fine, you can hate that other person all you like. They probably were/are a jerk, maybe everybody hates them, I don’t know the story, nor do I care. We all have shitty relationships that we have bailed on. Sometimes we had kids, sometimes we didn’t, that’s life. My y problem is when kids get brought into this. Your kids should not know you hate their other parent. Your kids should be free to love their other parent openly to you and any other person. Your child’s DNA is half of that other person. You telling your child the other parent is crap, is effectively telling your child all their traits and genes from the other parent are crap.
UNLESS THE OTHER PARENT PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY HARMS YOUR CHILD THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE A PART OF THATS CHILDS LIFE.
Here is the real kicker, fake claims to police and courts in order to get restraining orders, family violence orders etc against the other parent to stop them gaining access to the child. Yep, this really happens and it pisses me off to no end. Parent A will get and intervention order on parent B, then parent B takes one out on parent A, they include children in the order just to prevent access. You may say I am making a judgement call and presuming, WRONG. I have had parents disclose their plans to me, to which they get this rant in reply.This act completely devalues situations where family violence is really a factor and children are at genuine risk of harm. It makes real family violence victims have to fight harder to get the support they really need and deserve to protect themselves and their children. It also begs the question if both parents need intervention orders should the children be with either parent.
Either one or both parents are lying, or they are both controlling and manipulative and have no care for the impact it has on their children. In these cases neither parent deseveres the children. If you would do anything to spite your ex including robbing your child of an experience, relationship and love of the other parent, that is perpetrating abuse towards your child. I understand the other parent may be an a#4hole. They probably are, I wont deny that. But, are they really that bad for your child? They might be worlds worst partner, but are they worlds worse parent?
For children to have a healthy sense of belonging they need to feel valued and respected. If you hate half of their DNA, half of their traits and personality, how is that making them feel? You can be the point of change. If your ex wants to be the a$$@ole that bags out you, let them. Your kids will see this as they get older. They will remember that you were the one that never said bad things or stopped them from seeing the other parent. They will eventually avoid the negative parent of their own accord, and that is on the other parent. Who wants to hang out with someone that bags out someone you love all the time? No one, your kids are no different. You will see the fruits of this when the kids grown up.
If you are struggling to manage your ex and co-parenting seek the support of a mediator or access counselling. You can access counselling for yourself to better manage your ex’s behaviour and the emotional challenges that come with their behaviour.
You cant change them, but you can change how you respond, which may change how they respond.